Valentine’s Day and I have a very evolutionary relationship. I’ve seen it from different angles and maybe, just maybe I’m beginning to discover what it’s all about.
When I was little, Valentine’s Day was about family and friends. It was about making handmade cards with doilies, glitter and construction paper with my Mom. It was about the small heart-shaped box of candy from my Dad that always included a cheesy play on words like “You’re a beary special Valentine!”. It’s incredible how little pressure there was back then – I was just happy enough having my Dad to be my Valentine.
And of course, Valentine’s Day as a kid meant handing out Care Bear or Strawberry Shortcake valentines to all of my classmates. The remaining few left to address were always the more suggestive messages such as “Suuure would love to be your Valentine!” rather than the safer platonic messages like “Have a great Valentine’s Day”. Naturally, careful thought and consideration were required when filling in the “To:” line.
Along with growing up, I grew cynical. Boys and girls in my class started paying more attention to one another (see: “twitterpated“) and I just knew this couldn’t be a sensible thing. Boys were dumb and distracting. And they often smelled bad. When this trend didn’t die down, I regarded VDay as a day like any other except that this one in particular involved dodging balloons in the hallways or as an adult, signing for flowers intended for co-workers. Even if I found myself with a boyfriend, he usually abided by my request not to cash in on the clichés. Instead, he high-fived his friends and declared “Coolest. Girlfriend. Ever.”
My position was “You should celebrate love every day of the year, not just one. Don’t feed the commercial hype. Gah!”. For as long as there has been Valentine’s Day, there have been single people feeling blacklisted and even
people like myself who had a significant other, but chose to opt out anyways. The day has always had people like myself on-hand to help remind the world that love isn’t superficial. Love is to be expressed and shared, not bottled and sold as tacky gifts at your nearest drug store.
After a while, even the best of ‘em finds this battle exhausting. It seemed like maybe there was something more to these clichés that I was missing.
VDay ’02. I was a freshman at App State just trying to mind my own business and survive the day when there was a knock at my dorm room door. My roommate raced to open it, expecting a lavish adoration in her honor. I stayed on the bottom bunk and tried not to pay this any attention. Then I hear “It’s for Abby?! OooOOooh!” The Frat Boy I’d been seeing for a week or so (in all fairness, he was not your typical frat boy, but I’m still guilty of both attending and meeting him at a frat party all the same) sent me a dozen roses, a card that said “Happy Valentines Day. Love, [The Frat Boy]“, and a small teddy bear with crooked eyes. OooOOooh. These were the first Valentine’s Day clichés I ever received from a guy. I couldn’t help it – My cold, bitter heart began to thaw.
An on-campus double date at McAlister’s Deli did take place shortly after Valentine’s Day (on campus and yes, he definitely used his meal card to pay for my dinner). To no one’s surprise, things fizzled shortly after.
I know it’s just one stupid day, but I must not be as bitter as I think because I kept a dried rose from that bouquet and the teddy bear. It reminds me that even when I think I’m the wallflower brought to a party out of sympathy, someone else in the room can still think I’m pretty darn worthy of grand gestures.
VDay 2009 was a celebration like no other. After a series of boyfriends and barely noticeable Valentine’s Days over the years, I found myself kicking it solo for the first time in a while. I wasn’t sad, jealous, or threatened by VDay, but it was important to me to spend it in good company with a single comrade (and in Pittsburgh, apparently). We celebrated ourselves and our independence. We didn’t need heart-shaped boxes of candy, but you better believe that we did honor the day with the essentials – alcohol, Ikea, and ice skating. My valentine and I had the most fun two fabulous women could possibly have in 24 hours. Banner Valentine’s Day.
Last year, the evolution continued. I went all out (relatively speaking) and spent Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend. It was fantastic. I didn’t buy up everything I could see with a heart, or anything with a heart for that matter. I did, however, go a reasonable distance and bought a couple’s massage. He in turn surprised me with a bouquet of colorful roses (my style -no red!) delivered to my apartment, and the absolute best dinner of my life at a French restaurant.
I gave into the hype because it made me happy to do this with a wonderful, thoughtful person. He showed me this is not a day to intentionally put our relationship on the back burner to make a point. We’re happy, so why not be happy on this day too (did I mention that he’s a rational person-just what I need!)? And for the record, he spoils me with thoughtful cards, flowers and surprises all throughout the year, so I’m not worried that this will suffice as a once a year gig.
I have a few ideas for gifts this year, and they’re thoughtful gifts rather than vomit-inducing or predictable (with one mildly cliché contribution, but it’s from a local co-op and organically made so hopefully this earns back some cred).
I hold firm on my belief that dates and Valentine’s Day are equal opportunity, and both parties should contribute if you are going to celebrate. It’s all about making the effort and showing the love no matter who your loved one is. Romantically involved or not – kick bitterness to the curb, break down the stereotype of this being restricted to one demographic, and embrace the madness as you see fit (grand gestures can include ice skating, cocktails, or as one near-and-dear friend does, host a slasher movie night!). Just love whatever you decide to do and who you decide to share it with.
