I lost my sweet and amazing cousin Katy exactly one week ago, at this very time that night. I’m still trying to grasp the concept that she’s gone forever. We had two services for her over the weekend and laid her to rest yesterday afternoon in Ohio. I wish more of you had been able to meet her. She was truly something rare. Here is the piece I wrote, and somehow managed to say, at her funeral on Sunday:
Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
I’m Katy’s cousin, Abby. Katy was born 6 months ahead of me and I met her for the first time when I was just 3 weeks old. Since then, I haven’t known life without her. She and I never lived shorter than an eight-hour drive from each other but we always held a special bond. People say that each time we’d get together, we picked up right where we had left off the previous visit. I never put much thought into what it was that made it work, but it all seemed very natural and who needs to over analyze when we had a good thing going? There is more than one photo displayed today of our dance parties with Emily, most memorably to Michael Jackson’s Thriller album, and later evolving into Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth and anything by Tiffany. Oh yes, and let’s not forget our fanatical love for New Kids On The Block. When we were about 12 or 13, Emily got her drivers license. And so started the dancing and singing in their red Cavalier. We felt a freedom like no other, and we would roll down the windows and belt out all our favorite songs loudly…and poorly…
While the family went golfing together, we’d hit up the nearest mall and end up with matching clothes every time. Even last year she and I went shopping and bought two of the exact same shirts and in the same size. When we were younger we wore our matching clothes on the same day in hopes that people might think we were twins. Naturally. Most notably were our ironed-on unicorn shirts that we had made during one of our trips to Florida. Man we were so cool. We bought them in sizes a bit too big for us at the time so that we’d maximize our usage. One of us would always check in with the other before an upcoming visit and confirm, “We’re going to wear our unicorn shirts, right?” It was certainly my favorite shirt because, for one, it was awesome, but also because it reminded me of that trip to Florida and it kept us connected no matter how far away we were. It seemed only fitting that I brought it with me to the hospital last month when I first saw her. She said “Oh wow!” and then commented, “I’m just wondering where mine is.”
When all of us were kids, Emily, Katy, my two brothers and myself always enjoyed playing in Grandma and Grandpa’s backyard. Emily would help Katy and I put together a supply kit full of bandaids and whatnot and off we’d go into the woods to seek out adventures. We were nothing if not prepared. There was a large rock up on a hill in the woods that we would go to each time and climb on. Once, we found a clothes hanger on a tree branch that we could only get to by climbing up on our special rock. Katy and I wondered how it got there and what the story was behind it. How did it end up at our special place? We left it, but during my next visit we found that it was still there. By the third trip back to Ohio, we started to look forward to going back to that rock and seeing if the hanger was still there. It always was! We would get so excited when we would see it as we climbed up the hill towards it. In any other situation this would be just a hanger, but to us it was everything. This hanger stayed on the tree for at least ten years, and there wasn’t one time that we didn’t go check on it. When Grandma and Grandpa moved away, we couldn’t decide if we should leave it for other kids to find or bring it with us. Aunt Karen said that we should definitely bring it, and keep it going between us. Katy said that I should have it first and I kept it in a box. When she got sick in Missouri and I knew she was going through a tough time, I remembered the hanger and found it right away. I knew she needed it, and that was the only thing that I could think of doing that would bring me there to her in spirit. I wrote inspirational quotes on it and mailed to her. As fate would have it, Aunt Karen was with Katy in Missouri when she opened it. As the story goes, Karen said “hey! That looks like the hanger!” and Katy smiled and said knowingly, “It is the hanger”.
Katy paved the way for many of my milestones and taught me lessons about life even from toddler-age. I always listened to what she said and thought she was so wise. Now she’s still going first, but I’m choosing to think of this experience as the most important lesson she’ll ever pave the way for. Be strong, love everyone, and smile, no matter what. You’ve got a lot to be thankful for. And be brave, because when God is with you, who could be against you? And lastly, work on your faith and relationship with God every day. Don’t stop.
I’ve had almost 30 years of her teaching me, leading the way, and showing me how to live life. She’s taken all of us as far as she could, but now we have to live with her in our hearts and try to move forward by her example. It’s no mistake that she has brought us all together in her absence, and I feel like we’ve met a lot of wonderful people in the last few days. She would want us to keep in touch and be happy together as we have all been connected by her. We need to help each other move forward in her wisdom. As so many of us have asked ourselves before, we’ll have to keep asking “What would Katy do?” and be better people for our actions in her grace. Volunteer to the needy. Give to your neighbors. Smile to everyone. Say “I love and miss you” in each conversation and email. Band together and help each other get through this. Remember her legacy. Never forget her. And know that she is in heaven with all those who have gone before and she is satisfied with all that she accomplished with her time on earth.
To all of her family members who helped shape her life, including Grandma and her aunts and uncles: This is a family of doers. When faced with any adversity, I have always known this family to rise to meet it with unity and action. This is where Katy learned to fight. She fought her battle with the intensity and ferociousness of a lion, but passed away with the peace and grace of a lamb. I hope that one day you can all accept the role you played in helping her to grow and shape that drive to act and to fight the battle with whatever tools you’re given, while keeping gentleness of heart.
To Zach: Your Aunt Katy was quite the performer when she was your age, always making choreographed dances, songs, plays, and there was even an art gallery once where we charged the adults admission. You carry this creativity and imagination, the will to perform and make people happy. We can see her live on in you this way.
To both Zach and Cam: This is a very tough time and I’m sure it is very confusing. Just as Aunt Katy has always gone before you providing a fun and loving atmosphere, she’ll continue to go before you, this time smoothing the road ahead to keep you healthy and safe. She’ll be your angel forever. We will keep her memory alive by telling stories and we’ll work hard to preserve her love and memory for you. As for Katy, look for her in the brightest star and know that she’s watching over you every day.
To Emily: Shine on for her. Know that we are better to have had so many great years with her to sing with, dance with, shop with, and spend hours and hours talking and otherwise being ridiculous with (which all of the pictures from our childhood can attest to).
To Jason: This experience has really allowed me to spend a lot of quality time with you recently and get to know you in ways that I never would have before, and for that I am a better person. You and Katy had a love that turned heads and melted hearts. She was so fortunate to find you and have you a part of her life. I can’t help but be amazed at how much she had, even though her life was cut short. I think that’s the way she would want us to see it, too.
You, Jason, fit into the role of being her coach, always keeping her motivated and thinking ahead to the next plan of action even until the very end. The two of you together had such a dynamic energy, and just because she’s gone it doesn’t mean that energy dies. She wants you to use that energy, feel her with you in your heart, and keep going. Embrace friends when they want to hang out and please try to say “Yes” to more things than you say “No” to in the months ahead. Continue to live your life fully and whole-heartedly. And always know that in Katy’s loss, you’ve gained a blanket of family and friends who will not turn their backs and forget you. You are family and we love you. We’re here for you and while you’re on this earth you will never be alone.
To all of her friends and family- Your cards, Caring Bridge posts, gifts, and thoughts and prayers meant the world to Katy. She didn’t fight this battle alone, and she was able to gain strength from each and every one of you here. While I was with her in Toledo earlier this month, she wanted to write everyone Thank You notes so you would know that she was so touched by the kindness shown. Unfortunately she was unable to do that, but it must at least be said for her behalf that she loves you and thought the world of your actions.
And one last quote from Maya Angelou (because someone has always said it better before):
“Love life, engage in it, give it all you’ve got. Love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put into it.”


















